It is perhaps one of the most painful things you will ever go through but you are not alone in this experience.
One hundred years ago the average person didn’t travel more than 50 miles from the place they were born in their entire lifetime. One generation ago the average person had the same job for their whole life. Today the average person has a career change every 5 years. Most of us will have many genuine, loving, deep, life-changing relationships in our lifetime. This also means that we will experience painful breakups. This is why we should learn how to let go in healthy and constructive ways.
Cultural Programming
We aren’t living in the 1800’s anymore. You might meet your forever soulmate in 5th grade. Or you might have many different relationships that compliment different chapters of your life journey. Some people stay together for 40-50 years in a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship. It really is about quality, not quantity. So give up the notion of “failing” when your relationship comes to a natural end. Beating yourself up creates a nasty cycle of blame.
Do your best to make the relationship work but also recognize when it’s time to let it go. If you each grew, loved, opened-up and bettered yourself through the relationship, it is a success. Even if it only lasts a year or two.
There is a whole lot to be said about sticking it out through the hard times. I am not advocating for a “throw-away” lifestyle, or bailing as soon as the “honeymoon stage” is over. Yet it is also okay to acknowledge that each of us grow in different ways, at different paces, and our needs also change over time. Someone who may be the best person for you at one stage of your life may be unhealthy for you at another stage. Sometimes these cycles work in harmony. Other times we need to let go of someone we really love in order to meet our ever-changing needs.
Should I Stay or Should I go?
One of the hardest things is when the other person wants to break-up but we don’t want to let go. It is also really hard to break up with someone who is still trying to hold onto you. Perseverance is admirable but clinging just pushes people away and creates more suffering. When both parties feel they are in it together and willing to make it work, then perseverance is the way to go.
There really is no way to let go of someone you love without experiencing pain. So it is important to accept the pain as a gift because it is. Within that pain is also the lessons and growth. Pain is an integral part of all the beauty and love you just experienced with the other person. You may not be able to bring your ex with you forever. But you do get to bring the wisdom and gratitude from the experience with you forever. First you must move through the pain though.
It really is true that everyone you ever love imprints you forever. The good parts of that growth will be shared with your future partners. If you do the work, the negative patterns can be shed forever. This prepares you for something completely new and breath-taking. If you don’t work through it you will seek another lover who reminds you of the last one. This will cause you to repeat the same patterns.
Tips for a Smooth Transition:
1. Make a clean break. There is a very powerful chemical withdrawal from all the hormones we experience cuddling, making love, and sharing intimacy with another person. Some say that the withdrawal is more intense than breaking a heroine habit. It can be very easy to “fall back into it” in a moment of passion while missing the other person.
Having a solid boundary will greatly reduce the added heart-ache between you. If you are meant to get back together it can only happen in a healthy way once you have really allowed yourself to let go. Amazingly, your love and appreciation for a person can actually increase as you let them go. There can be some very beautiful acknowledgement between you when there is a clear boundary. You can express sweet things without it being an attempt to “win them back”. Sometimes this leaves the door open to get back together, and other times it builds a foundation for a life-long friendship.
2. Drugs and alcohol won’t make the pain go away. Perhaps you need to let loose for a night or two of reckless abandonment or have a fling. It’s okay to occasionally free your mind from the sorrow, but this is not a sustainable long-term strategy. Remember, you don’t want to numb yourself from the pain. You want to accept it as part of the growth and part of the blessing of that love. If you had never loved you would never feel pain. The pain is a sign that you stretched beyond yourself and grew.
3. Don’t make your friends choose sides when you split. You will naturally gravitate towards and become closer with some people. While also drifting from others that you friended while you were a couple. Surround yourself with people who love and accept you both as individuals. Sometime you will experience deep hurt and anger, that’s okay. Choose friends who can hear you bitch about your ex without adopting those feelings. This is called compassionate listening, and it is a very powerful skill to posses. Seek true friends who will hold space for you while you go to the depths of your pain.
4. Wish your ex the best (for real). Once I was feeling really low after a breakup. I was venting with a friend and I said that I hope her (my ex’s) next boyfriend is a jerk.
My friend said, “No you don’t! You want the very best for her because you deserve the very best for yourself also. You need to hold that vision for her if you ever hope to attain it for yourself. Just go on and live your most epic expression of yourself and give her space to do the same.”
I was very grateful to hear that. Even though it was hard to hear I knew it was true. In having compassion for your shortcomings, you can also have compassion for them. This is part of setting each other free emotionally and psychically.
5. Be okay with being single for a moment. There is nothing more attractive than someone who is strong and confident within themselves. It’s okay to let yourself reset for a bit. Get into your own rhythm and enjoy the benefits of being free and single.
I never set out to be an “expert” at breakups. Instead I always dreamed of one soulmate that would be with me forever. Life had different ideas for me I guess. I am grateful to have had multiple soul-mates who have each brought me distinct blessings and growth.
A Few Things I learned Along the Way
Learning to face tough emotions like jealousy has been super valuable. I realized that relationships aren’t a competition. There are no failures or losers. We all win when we let ourselves experience love. Loving a person is not the same as owning them. Letting go is just another way to deepen our ability to know compassion and depth. We are all complex beings feeling our way through this beautiful experience of life. Nobody learns to walk without skinning their knees. Just keep getting back up, dusting yourself off and embracing all that life throws at you!