The sweetest fruits grow in dark, rich, decomposing soil. The same is true when we work with the shadowy, uncomfortable and often unconscious feelings of grief and rage. There is a wealth of wisdom, compassion and personal power that we will gain in this process. Have you ever run from grief—letting your pain turn into anger, or buried it in distractions hoping it will vanish? These are normal but unhealthy responses. Below we will explore healthy coping mechanisms so that you will have the tools to transform these difficult emotions.
Though rage and grief are two different emotions, rage is often the result of unprocessed grief. Rage and anger don’t go away until we work through them. They can be terrifying to confront, and cause damage when they erupt unexpectedly. The process of letting them go can actually be sweet and fulfilling once we know constructive ways to handle them. Releasing grief helps to dissolve anger. This also helps us become less stressed and reactive which brings a sense of peace and calm into our lives.
Grateful for Grief?
The idea sounds ridiculous, especially when we are engulfed in darkness. Grief is every bit as powerful as love in its’ ability to shape our lives and help us evolve. By having a sense of gratitude towards your experience of grief, you are welcoming it. This turns it into an ally and a teacher in your life. You will be amazed at how powerful this slight shift in attitude changes your relationship with grief.
Grief as a Teacher?
The idea sounds crazy at first. Yet the simple mental switch of considering grief as a teacher can be profound in helping us move through it. I was first introduced to this concept while seeing a Tibetan Monk named Palden Gyatso speak. This humble man had nothing but love and forgiveness for his experiences in a Chinese torture camp (video below). Seeing his strength and peace inspired me to learn some new coping skills.
Tonglen Compassion Practice
During this time I was introduced to Tonglen Meditation. As I began to explore my own grief with the help of these new coping tools, I felt profound changes. I became slightly overindulgent with my grief because I felt fearless for the first time in my life. Tonglen Meditation revealed how often I would make life choices based on avoiding grief. I became aware of how fear of grief had been ruling my life from the shadows of my unconscious. I also started to see how it ruled the lives of others around me.
A popular Tonglen teacher is Pema Chodron who has a wonderful audio-talk called Good Medicine. The basic concept of this practice is simple but requires dedicated focus. You sit quietly and breathe in all of the fear, grief and pain happening in your life. You breathe it right into your heart and feel it with all your senses. When your lungs are full of air, it is time to exhale and let it all go.
At the end of the exhale, you inhale grief again. In this cycle you allow your heart to be a pump breathing in grief, and exhaling peace. By connecting these feelings with the breath we learn to equally experience peace and grief in a balanced way.
Over time we get better at becoming the conscious observer of this internal process. Nobody makes it through this life without experiencing grief. It is strange to consider but grief is probably more common than even love and joy for many of us. An intimate relationship with grief allows us to feel connected in a profound way with everyone who has ever lived. This is how we come to a deep inner peace, a sense of compassion, confidence and personal power.
Is Grief is Gender-Specific?
As a man, I love having a cultural story that makes crying okay. So many of us grow up stuffing tears because as they say, “boys don’t cry”. This repressed emotion can make us sick. It can also cause us to act out in anger, or redirect it onto others in unhealthy ways. Unchecked anger can have a damaging effect on our personal relationships.
I have learned that it is different for women because they are taught not to show anger. For them crying is easy but expressing rage in a constructive way is not. It is beautiful when men can hold space for women’s rage. It can also be very healing when men allow women to hold us when we cry.
Mayan Recipe for Dealing with the Blues
Grief is most often connected to the loss of someone or something that we love. Martin Prechtel speaks of Mayan wisdom that considers grief as the highest form of praise. In the Mayan tradition, crying is seen as a form of prayer and tears actually feed our ancestors. When we are at peace with our own grief we won’t project it as anger onto others. This is how we become compassionate warriors.
From the Personal to the Global
We can not expect nations or systems of government to act compassionately until enough individuals can embody it. This is why individual compassion practices and community support networks are so powerful. Society will evolve when we cast away outdated, abusive, unhealthy ways of coping. Transforming grief will be essential if we want to experience more peace between nations.
Many Options, Many Tools, Many Practices
There are many traditions in cultures around the world for turning grief into compassion and personal power. Art and music, or time in nature can help us with this difficult journey of transforming shadows into light. Another great example is the Hawaiian practice of Ho’Oponopono which I dedicated a whole article to here.
Visualize
How different would the world look if these teachings were part of our dominant story? Nobody likes it when grief comes knocking at our door. Yet we can welcome it as a sign that we are growing and evolving. It feels good to let go of unhealthy coping patterns.
Palden Gyatso changed my life. He challenged me to change the way I look at the tough parts in life. On the day after his talk I had the pleasure of bringing him to the Hopi Mesas. Together we met with elders and discussed ancient history.
He laughed at me a lot as I continued to ask him about prophecy and earth changes. He assured me that if we are in the right place within our heart nothing can harm our eternal soul. This wisdom comes from turning the pain of torture in a Chinese internment camp into love, compassion and personal power.
I hope that these healthy coping tools are helpful to your journey of transformation. Forming a better relationship with our own grief is a central part of improving our connection with self and others. This is how grief evolves into compassion, peace, and personal power. As we evolve ourselves we will make a better world for everyone around us.
